Woodpecker News

It’s hard to come up with superlatives for the Magpies with a dominant performance to win another Fraser Moors Memorial Trophy.

The Hawx have signed a mega five year deal with online dating service Grindr with immediate effect including replacing their brand image.

The fourball draw under supervision was taken out of a hat randomly and then manipulated according to a secret sauce Canterbury recipe.

The pale, stale and male Magpies have shocked the Woodpecker world by sacking Sickman and drafting in ‘Trish’ as a replacement.

Mark Gemstone may incur the wrath of team protocol by going out on a date at the Elton John concert with his new lover.

Hawx legend Brice Gawn meets Falcon veteran Woodward to discuss Tinder, Bumble and The Camel Presidency…

Congratulations to Sid Oruk on his inclusion into the Woodpecker hall of fame. A legend of the Johnny Woodpecker.

Firetrucking has become so prevalent during the tournament it has become difficult for organisers to arrange suitable accommodation.

The Falcons have flown former lead singer and boy band pinup Jon Kelleher as cover with 2012 champion Woodward doubtful with a runny nose.

Star player Dan Murfitt (Mr Murfitt to the players) is becoming recognised as a real force and expert on educating old Swans Hirangatanga.

The once-mighty Swans have hit an all-time low to be ranked to worst team ever with Blackwell a slither of the leader Wikstrom or Horsley were.

I would like to introduce Harry, my client and friend who has been trekking for the past 11 days with…

Champions Attempted ruse Plays into Hands of Sea Monster An unashamed fix by defending champ* Mike Rhymeswith looks as if…

10 – Shaun Horsly The only PAST champ in the list – has been in the final four a few…

The Falcons have smashed the salary cap to sign Australian based player Mark “Falcon” Lawler from The Hawx. Laws, one…

In the absence of a table top Virgin speech Although this is not quite Dr Suess It does involve a…

New Falcon leader The Don has backtracked on earlier promises with the signing of star Muslim golfer Jon Kelleher, otherwise…

— FALCONS SHOCKED AS THE PEOPLE SPEAK OUT — As the world takes a collective gasp of disbelief in what…

New Falcons supremo Juan Stokes has masterminded a five talon plan to bring the Auckland franchise the kauri premiership it…

It’s only when a Mosquito lands on your testicles that you realise there is always a way to solve problems without violence.

Magpies skipper and presidential candidate Simon Trumpmain will not front on day two of the 2016 classic.

The Truth Behind the Woodpecker XVII Debarcle If playing a Woodpecker during the World Cup cricket quarterfinals was a wave,…

Bollocks ~ A highly flexible term commonly used by the English. 1. something rubbish 2. a falsehood or series of…

How did the Hawx manage their first ever win after years of being losers? What did David Ogilivy have to…

Magpie Pride Coming in at number 5 is Magpie Pride. Year in year out, the annual handicapping system is announced…

A golf course is merely land being primed for high end residential real estate and a lifestyle investment for the…

In a stunning revelation we can reveal the truth behind the debarcle that is the organisation for the forthcoming Woodpecker…

There’s a new breed of firetrucker Hawk in town and given that the 2013 Woodpecker will be in their back…

The Hawx formerly known as The Hawks The Slitherins The Hillbilies Alan’s Boyz have once again changed their name and…

Allegations surrounding JWMGC selection criteria in 2009 are hot and getting hotter. The latest punch thrown in this brawl is…

It seems as if the man that came from nowhere to win the 2008 JWMGC has reinvented himself – as…

In what’s probably nowhere close to the scandal of Tiger Woods, but still with a strong Nordic connection, inaugural JWMGC…

Just over one week out from the world’s greatest tournament the tension is set to erupt in a scandal that’s…

JWMGC sergeant-at-arms Sonof has put an end to the 750ml and 800ml weak excuses that have been passing as jug…

One of two Swans players paid to drink piss for a living, Milli has leapt up pre-tournament rankings following a…

New Swans captain Sean Horsely revealed he had signed Millichip after a bidding war quickly broke out between the teams…

The honeymoon looks to be well and truly over for newlywed Harold Ange Bonding. Orientation rumours had always dogged the…

One of the game’s true gentleman Harry “hack you in the head with a hatchet” Bonding has let fly at…

2006 Tournament organiser Dean Brownwell answered his critics today when he managed to find alternative accommodation for the Swans in…

Hawks captain Alain Hunks has said his side will have to overcome probably the best team that has ever played…

Newbie golfer Costa “Karlos, DJ to the Stars” Gerondis officially announced his Johnny Woodpecker retirement after making only one appearance…

The biggest field ever assembled for the 2006 JWMGC will guarantee one thing … a record number of jug skulls….

Like the V-neck Warriors there looks likely to be a salary (handi) cap review of the defending champion Falcons. The…

Harry Bonding was once a glittering jewel in the Falcon’s crown. He was chosen by the The Woodley Times to…

Being a memorial tournament, the players are fully aware of loss but it doesn’t make it any easier when another…